He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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