One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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