I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I hate all girls vehemently.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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