You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
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