Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
