the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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