Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
