I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
