there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
