you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
areolas are like halos for boobs.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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