Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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