please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
