who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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