Cold hands, warm shart.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
