Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
