you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
