Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
