You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
