the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
