fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize