I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
