He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
