she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dick very happy bro
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
