I love black thongs
from now on my penis is your penis
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
