I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
