I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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