never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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