remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
