I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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