you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
