Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
