I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
