I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
