I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
