Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Don't tell me you're on acid again
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
