One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
