cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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