We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
