sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
