There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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