its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
