the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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