Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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