I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
