life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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