I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
