I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
