Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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