A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
