found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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