I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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