i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Randomize
