You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
