So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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