batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
