I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
