I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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