Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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