The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize