I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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